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really funny new employmeny policy?

i know its long but its just too funny

Memo To: All Employees
Subject: New Policies

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Surgery:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

Your Own Death:
This will be accepted as an approved excuse. However, we do require at least 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train your replacement.

Rest Room Use:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restrooms. Therefore, in the future all employees will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20, and so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their time with another co-worker. However, both employee supervisors must approve this exchange in writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

Paycheck Guide:
The following guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks.

Example: Gross pay ,222.02

Income tax 244.40
Outcome tax 45.21
State tax 11.61
Interstate tax 61.10
County tax 6.11
City tax 12.22
Rural tax 4.44
Back tax 1.11
Front tax 1.16
Side tax 1.61
Up tax 2.22
Tic-tacs 1.98
Thumbtacks 3.93
Carpet tacks .98
Stadium tax .69
Flat tax 8.32
Surtax 3.46
Corporate tax 2.60
Parking fee 5.00
FICA 81.88
TGIF fund 9.95
Life insurance 5.85
Health insurance 16.23
Dental insurance 4.50
Mental insurance 4.33
Reassurance .11
Disability 2.50
Ability .25
Liability 3.41
Unreliability 10.99
Coffee 6.85
Coffee cups 66.51
Floor rental 6.85
Chair rental .32
Desk rental 4.32
Union dues 5.85
Union don’ts 3.77
Cash advance .69
Cash retreats 121.35
Overtime 1.26
Undertime 54.83
Eastern time 9.00
Central time 8.00
Mountain time 7.00
Pacific time 6.00
Oxygen 10.02
Water 16.54
Heat 51.42
Cool air 26.83
Hot air 20.00
Miscellaneous 113.29
Various 8.01

Net Pay {content}.12

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, comtemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week

i dare you to work 4 dat company after reading dis
give me a star after reading this pls and thx

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Memo to All Employees? ( A bit on the long side, but what else are doing)?

Memo to All Employees:
Due to the recent economic downturn, we have been forced to implement a new method of employee deductions to paychecks effective as of January 1, 2005.

*SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE* We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

*SURGERY* Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

*BEREAVEMENT LEAVE* This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.
In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is enough to keep the job going in your absence.

*YOUR OWN DEATH* This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement.

*REST ROOM USE* Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with ‘A’ will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees who’s names beginning with ‘B’ will go from 8:10 to 8:20 And so on. If you’re unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees’ supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door open AND YOUR PICTURE WILL BE TAKEN.

*PAYCHECK GUIDE* The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks. This will apply in all cases per/00 earned:

Gross Pay ,000.00

Income tax 4.40
Outgo tax .21
State tax .61
Interstate tax .10
County tax .11
City tax .22
Rural tax .44
Back tax .11
Front tax .16
Side tax .61
Up tax .22
Down tax .11
Tic-Tacs .98
Thumbtacks .93
Carpet tacks {content}.98
Stadium tax {content}.69
Flat tax .32
Surtax .46
Corporate tax .60
Parking fee .00
FICA .88
T.G.I.F. Fund .95
Life insurance .85
Health insurance .23
Dental insurance .50
Mental insurance .33
Reassurance {content}.11
Disability .50
Ability {content}.25
Liability .41
Unreliability .99
Coffee .85
Coffee Cups .51
Floor rental .85
Chair rental {content}.32
Desk rental .32
Union dues .85
Union don’ts .77
Cash advance {content}.69
Cash retreats 1.35
Overtime .26
Undertime .83
Eastern Time .00
Central Time .00
Mountain time .00
Pacific Time .00
Time Out .21
Oxygen .02
Water .54
Heat .42
Cool air .83
Hot air .00
Miscellaneous 3.29
Sundry .09
Various .01

Net Take Home Pay {content}.02

*FINAL THOUGHTS* Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation’s, consternation’s, or input should be directed elsewhere. All comments and concerns should be sent to the company arbitrator. Costs for this service is $.02 per 00 salary earned. Please pre-pay this fee with all correspondence.

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how to make a complaint against a loan company?

A while ago, I applied for a payday loan with a company in town. In the past three months, I had a few over drafts in my bank account. But in the bank statements you can see it was paid immediately. And I had my paychecks automatically deposited in my account. the girl that was doing my application kept asking me questions like, does it bother me that I get over drafts; why do I get over drafts; she feels bad when she gets over drafts; why do I not seem upset that I get over drafts. She crossed the line. I got the loan, but I spoke to her boss and she apologized.
I was in an auto accident so I go to a chiropractor almost every day at that point. I called on my pay day and told tiffany, the rude girl, to run my check through cause I did not want to miss my appointment; I also asked if I could come in the next day. She said I had to come in today. I told her to just run the check. She said she can’t. I asked why. She said they only get the checks just to hold but they can’t run them. I argued on the phone with them for 30 minutes till they decided to run the check, which went through of course! Ever since then, they keep calling me begging me to come get another loan. For the past four months I have told them to never call me again. They keep calling. I have phone records. What can I do?

i am in louisiana. i looked on the state site but i have no guidance from it.

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How to complain against a payday loan company?

A while ago, I applied for a payday loan with a company in town. In the past three months, I had a few over drafts in my bank account. But in the bank statements you can see it was paid immediately. And I had my paychecks automatically deposited in my account. the girl that was doing my application kept asking me questions like, does it bother me that I get over drafts; why do I get over drafts; she feels bad when she gets over drafts; why do I not seem upset that I get over drafts. She crossed the line. I got the loan, but I spoke to her boss and she apologized.
I was in an auto accident so I go to a chiropractor almost every day at that point. I called on my pay day and told tiffany, the rude girl, to run my check through cause I did not want to miss my appointment; I also asked if I could come in the next day. She said I had to come in today. I told her to just run the check. She said she can’t. I asked why. She said they only get the checks just to hold but they can’t run them. I argued on the phone with them for 30 minutes till they decided to run the check, which went through of course! Ever since then, they keep calling me begging me to come get another loan. For the past four months I have told them to never call me again. They keep calling. I have phone records. What can I do?

i am in louisiana. i looked on the state site but i have no guidance from it.

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Payday Loans Have Become Very Popular

Payday loans have become a very popular way of accessing cash if any emergency arises between paychecks. These loans are for small amounts and most lenders do not require much documentation, which makes it very easy to acquire a loan. The loans are un-secured as they are for a very short period of time. Approval will be given in minutes.

A payday loan can be made online so there is no faxing or running around to find a lender. The money will be transferred electronically to you and you will have it within 24 hours. In many cases if you have applied before 12pm you can receive the money the same day.

Many lenders are willing to grant a loan telephonically. The money will in this instance also be transferred to you electronically and you will receive it within 24 hours. This makes it so easy to access cash when you need it immediately for an emergency.

Many lenders advertise the first payday loan as free, this means that the first time you borrow money from them and repay the full amount on the due date you will not be charged interest. If you partially pay the amount owed you will be charged interest on the balance. Remember that every month you do not pay the amount in full more interest will be added to the amount.

It is a good thing to remember that you could get into debt this way so make a point of paying the payday loan in full on the due date which is when you receive your paycheck.

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APPLY TODAY – CASH TOMORROW

Apply for a payday loan today and you will have the cash as soon as tomorrow. There are no long questionnaires to complete or credit checks to be done. Because these loans are short-term loans there are no formalities. The only consideration is that you must have a paying job, earning more than a certain amount and have a checking account. What will happen if you do not have a checking account? You might find a lending company or two that will give you a very small loan without a checking account, but you will be expected to pay a much higher loaning fee and interest.

You can apply for a payday loan from the privacy of your own home 24/7. Everything can be done online. There is no inconvenience to you at all. Any time you run short of cash between paychecks you can apply for one of these mini loans to tide you over until you receive your next paycheck. Be vigilant when you plan to take one of these loans. First find out exactly how much they charge for interest and lending fees. Many lending companies charge very high interest rates, which could be more than the actual amount of the loan.

The payday loan has to be paid in full on the first day you receive a paycheck after you have taken the loan. This means the loan amount plus interest. If you find that you can’t pay the whole amount you will be in trouble. The interest will be doubled and the new payment date will be the following date you receive a paycheck. As this amount grows bigger it will become increasingly difficult to pay the whole amount in full. It is very easy to fall into debt with these mini loans.

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Instant Cash Approvals

Companies lending payday loans promise instant cash approvals to all applicants. They advertise that no questions will be asked and that very little information is necessary in order to be approved – everything can be done online – this is not always the case. There are certain cases where this is true, but due to some State law requirements it can’t always be done instantly.

Payday loans are known as postdated check loans, cash advance loans, mini loans and short-termed loans. It does not matter what they are called they are all the same thing. They are loans for small amounts and for a short period of time meant to tide you over until your next paycheck. These loans are not intended for spending money. You might have a financial crisis between paychecks and urgently require a small amount of money until you receive your next paycheck. It could be that your money does not stretch to the end of the month and you need living expenses. Whatever the case may be the lenders are not concerned with what you do with the money.

What interests them is receiving their money with interest and loan fee on the specified date. If you cannot repay the loan on the designated date, the loan will be rolled over for the following date of paycheck. Bear in mind that the interest will be doubled and the amount owing will be more than it was in the beginning. If you are able to repay the loan fully on time, then these loans do help you when you need to lay your hands on extra cash – if not you will find yourself falling into debt.

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